もしも父親がいなければ
要介護認定を受けている父親は、ほぼ家事ができません。
湯を沸かせても、インスタントラーメンさえ作れないでしょう。
そんな父親は言えば男は外で頑張る者でした。
しかし段々老いて、とは言え仕事を辞めてもう十数年が経過するので、家事ができないと言うのは仕事に専念したからではなく、一人きりになった時のことを想像していなかったということです。
では母親はどうでしょうか。
父親のスタンスがはっきりしている以上、母親は父親のしないこと以外全てが担当です。
日常生活で言えば、洗濯、料理、買い物、掃除、ゴミ出し、風呂やトイレの掃除に父親の介護です。
今の母親の姿を見て、その全てを担うと、母親は一月で倒れてしまうでしょうし、二人の生活で受ける強いストレスで精神的なダメージを受けるかもしれません。
親を在宅で介護するために
父親が何もしない人間なので、母親に負担が押し寄せます。
ある意味でこうなってしまうことが予想できたから、父親が仕事を辞めて隠居生活を始めると言い出した時に、二人の生活費や将来的な介護資金は大丈夫なのかという確認もしています。
その時、父親も大丈夫だと言い、母親もやっていけると言ったので、じゃあ二人が思うように頑張ればというスタートでした。
しかし、母親の資金管理も曖昧になって、目先のお金でも使ってしまうことが増えて、貯金らしい貯金が無くなっています。
入院したらどうするのか。
在宅での介護では負担が大きくなったらどうするのか。
結局、今の生活を見る限りその答えが出せるとも思えません。
事実、朝夕の食事は買い物からこみちの負担です。
辛うじて昼食は二人だけでになっていますが、その予算は一月をいくらで納めるつもりなのか心配になります。
物価高の影響もあって、弁当も一食500円は掛かります。
二人分で1000円。それだけでも月に３万円です。
問題なのは、父親のライフスタイルを現役時代から一切切り詰めず、むしろ医療費や個人的な健康食品など、月に直せば２万円は見ておきたいところでしょう。
この両親の理解できないことは、なぜ父親にお金を切り詰めないと生活できないと伝えないのかです。
繰り返し伝えて、菓子パンなどを買う頻度は減りましたが、ほぼ毎日お菓子やパンなどを買い与えているので、糖尿病に少なからず影響があるはずです。
時代に救われたとも言えますが、糖尿病のいい薬のお陰で過度な制限も気にせずに食事を続けられていますが、一昔前なら定期的に血糖値を測り、食事にも気を使わなければいけなかったはずです。
ある意味でこれだけ長く生きられたことを考えると、父親はもう十分にいい人生だったことでしょう。
では母親の方ですが、やはり急に老いて来た印象が拭えません。
先ず少し難しい話が理解できなくなり、例えば父親が利用しているデイサービスに関する書類や担当者との意見交換でも聞かれたことに答えられません。
今、父親がお風呂に入っているのですが、母親はそんな時でも結構な確率でその場を離れます。
歩行が全くできないレベルではありませんが、階段を登るのは非常に危険な状況なので、もしも風呂場で転倒でも起こせば、そう考えると父親を浴室に放置するのは非常にリスクを感じます。
「入浴中は離れないで」
そんなアドバイスも続けましたが、結局は母親も自分が思うようにしかできない人なので、もう口出しすることもなくなりました。
なので、入浴中は「助けて！」とでも叫ばれた時に聴き漏らさないように注意するしかありません。
結局、父親と母親の生き方はその場で考え判断することなので、それでどうしようもなくなっても仕方なかったとしか言えないでしょう。
ただ、その生き方は、老々介護をして、その生き方でいいと思うか、生活を改めて誰かの助けを受けるかですが、少しこみちが手を出すのが早かったので、両親は最終的な窮地を考えることなく生きています。
素っ裸でリビングをウロウロする。
家族とは言え、あからさまにデリカシーのない行動は謹んで欲しいのですが、それも結局は両親のスタイルを変えることもなく、場所を変えることなく着替えをしています。
そんな生活から受けるストレスで、こみち自身、今心拍変動が低くまま改善されません。
自律神経の失調に繋がるので、悪化させないように注意しています。
とは言え、いきなり心拍数が上がったりもするので、頭では今の生活を受け入れても精神的な負担は見逃せないところまで来ています。
これだけ追い込まれているから少しは両親にも改めて欲しいのですが、この十数年の同居で分かったのは、たとえこみちが疾患になっても両親は今の生き方を変えられません。
If My Father Were Not Here
My father, who has been certified as requiring nursing care, is almost completely unable to do household chores.
Even if he can boil water, he probably couldn’t even make instant ramen.
My father often says that men are supposed to work hard outside the home.
However, as he has gradually grown old—and considering that it has already been more than a decade since he quit working—the fact that he cannot do housework is not because he devoted himself to his job, but because he never imagined what it would be like to live alone one day.
So what about my mother?
Since my father’s stance is so clear, my mother is responsible for everything my father does not do.
In terms of daily life, that means laundry, cooking, shopping, cleaning, taking out the trash, cleaning the bath and toilet, and caring for my father.
Looking at my mother as she is now, if she were to shoulder all of that alone, she would probably collapse within a month. The intense stress of living with just the two of them might also cause serious mental damage.
Caring for Parents at Home
Because my father does nothing, all the burden comes down on my mother.
In a sense, this outcome was foreseeable, which is why, when my father said he wanted to quit his job and start a retired life, I confirmed whether they would be financially secure in terms of living expenses and future caregiving costs.
At the time, my father said it would be fine, and my mother said she could manage. So it started with the attitude of, “Then do your best in the way you think is right.”
However, my mother’s financial management has become vague, and she has increasingly been spending even short-term funds. As a result, there are no real savings left.
What will they do if one of them is hospitalized?
What will they do if home care becomes too much of a burden?
Judging from their current lifestyle, it doesn’t seem like they have answers to those questions.
In reality, the burden of breakfast and dinner—including shopping—falls entirely on Komichi.
They barely manage lunch on their own, but I worry about how much they expect to spend per month even for that.
With rising prices, even a boxed meal costs about 500 yen per serving.
That’s 1,000 yen for two people—30,000 yen a month just for that.
The real problem is that my father has never cut back on his lifestyle since his working years. In fact, when you include medical expenses and personal health supplements, you’d want to budget at least 20,000 yen per month.
What I cannot understand about my parents is why they do not tell my father that they cannot survive unless he cuts back on spending.
I’ve told him repeatedly, and while the frequency of buying sweet bread has decreased, he is still given snacks and bread almost every day, which must be having some effect on his diabetes.
In a sense, he has been saved by the times. Thanks to good diabetes medications, he can continue eating without worrying too much about strict restrictions. But a generation ago, he would have had to measure his blood sugar regularly and be much more careful about his diet.
In a way, considering how long he has lived, my father has already had a sufficiently good life.
As for my mother, however, I can’t shake the impression that she has suddenly grown old.
First, she has become unable to understand slightly complex matters. For example, she cannot properly respond when asked questions about documents related to my father’s day-care services or during discussions with the staff in charge.
Right now, my father is taking a bath, but even at such times, my mother leaves the area at a fairly high rate.
He is not completely unable to walk, but climbing stairs is extremely dangerous for him. If he were to fall in the bathroom, the risk is enormous. Leaving him alone in the bathroom feels very unsafe.
I have repeatedly given advice like, “Please don’t leave while he’s bathing,” but in the end, my mother is also someone who can only do things her own way. I’ve stopped interfering.
So now, all I can do is stay alert so I won’t miss it if he were to shout, “Help!”
Ultimately, the way my father and mother live is something they decide on the spot, and if that leads to a dead end, all one can say is that it couldn’t be helped.
Still, their choices are either to continue elderly-to-elderly caregiving and accept that lifestyle, or to change how they live and receive help from others. But because Komichi stepped in a bit too early, my parents continue living without seriously considering their final crisis.
Wandering around the living room completely naked.
Even though we are family, I wish they would refrain from such blatantly inconsiderate behavior. But in the end, they neither change their style nor move to another place—they simply change clothes where they are.
Because of the stress caused by this kind of life, Komichi’s heart rate variability is currently low and not improving.
Since this can lead to autonomic nervous system dysfunction, I am being careful not to let it worsen.
Even so, my heart rate sometimes suddenly spikes. Although I try to accept this life rationally, the mental burden has reached a point where it can no longer be ignored.
I am under so much pressure that I wish my parents would change at least a little. But what I have learned from more than a decade of living together is that even if Komichi were to become ill, my parents would not be able to change the way they live now.